This week we heard of another pregnancy for two people that we are so very happy about. Every time Ed and I hear about pregnancies from our friends, we are ecstatic and can’t be happier for them. But, every time Ed and I hear about pregnancies from our friends, our hearts also slowly break. Imagine an image of a heart just slowly cracking bits over time. It’s not totally broken yet, just cracking.
That night, we acknowledge how happy we were for them and then drove the rest of the way home in silence. At home, we walked upstairs in silence, brushed our teeth in silence, and went to bed in silence. After I heard him fall asleep, that’s when I knew that I can start to cry. I had assumed that Ed knew the way I was feeling and wanted to give me my space, but yesterday, when we were able to finally talk to each other, I found out that his heart was breaking too.
My strong husband, the man that works so hard to keep me happy, was hurting too and I didn’t know. He told me that as much as he was happy for our friends and that they deserved to be parents, it was really hard for him to not feel sad. He told me that with every announcement it gets harder every single time. We’re both at the age where all of our friends are married or are getting married and they’re all having kids and we’re being left behind. I know that he’s really hurting when he said that he felt like we needed to move away to get away from seeing our friends building their families to avoid the hurt.
Don’t get us wrong, we love our friends and all of our friends deserve to be parents. But, we want to be parents too. On the drive home that night, I just thought, what did I do so wrong in my life to get such a big punishment. To me, the idea of not being able to be a mother or experience pregnancy is the worst form of punishment. And then I think, what did Ed do to deserve not being able to be a father? I’ve known him since he was in high school and as much as I joke around saying that he’s the worst, he really isn’t. Anyone that knows him can attest to that fact. He was always known as the nicest guy and no one would believe that he has a mean bone in his body. As we’re getting older though and he’s seeing how others are building their family, it’s just eating away at him and I can see him becoming more sad everyday.
It’s awful because there’s nothing I can do. I can try to beg God to allow my body to carry a child and I’ve done that countless times, but it’s just not happening. I really wonder what I’ve done that’s so bad to have this burden.
So, on that note. Our diet starts Monday. We want to allow ourselves this time to regroup and get over this hurdle and find our happiness. So we’re not going to stress out about food. Hopefully, I can focus on thinking of a gluten-free friendly menu this week and start fresh on Monday.