Let me briefly explain “Edsure/Ed-sure”. This concept for my husband, his brother and his cousin explains how sure you are in a situation. Edsure is the absolute surest that you can be. The only stipulation is that once you use it, you better be 100% sure because once you are incorrect/misuse it, you are never allowed to use it again. It’s a silly concept but it’s fun.
I’ve been feeling so sick lately. Nausea and migraine sick. A part of me thought that maybe we miraculously got pregnant so I took a pregnancy test. It was obviously negative. Ed and I are pretty sure that it is probably from the Glumetza. I had to stop taking it for two days so that I could do a life insurance blood test. Once I started taking it again, I started feeling sick but I’ve never had that feeling before which, was why I felt that a baby was coming.
Onto Edsure… I called my fertility clinic and I knew that they would want a pregnancy test. I agreed and then told Ed that I was Edsure that I was not. He was shocked but the both of us were hoping that I was wrong and would lose my ability to use Edsure. That would be the one time where I would definitely not mind giving it up! The test was negative so on the bright side I can still use Edsure. But… Surprisingly, that was not the worst part of my day.
My experience today has ended with my eyes being so sore. I guess crying for over and hour would not be that great for your eyes. I went into the clinic for what I felt like a waste of time and utter disappointment. I sat in the waiting room and watched a woman who came in after me get her bloodwork done after waiting for a while and then seeing the nurse walk away to the backroom. After inquiring, it seems that she forgot to look at a screen for “other” bloodwork and just skipped me. That’s ok. She looks new. I’m ok. Things aren’t bad.
I sit in the chair and she’s tapping my right arm. I understand that I didn’t drink water this morning but I’ve never had that issue before. But she kept tapping and didn’t say a word. It looks like she found a vein and wiped alcohol wipe. Then, she went for the needle and lost the vein so she kept tapping and inserted the needle… She didn’t wipe the area. But I decide not to make it difficult on her. The needle is in and she’s still tapping on my vein. Not a single word has been said to me. Then it happens. She starts to wiggle the needle and reposition in and keeps applying pressure. I let this go on because I’m thinking to myself that it’s not her fault. She’s going at it but still no word, doesn’t ask if I’m ok. After what feels like never ending pain, I tell her she needs to try my other arm or I’m going to pass out.
She goes to my other arm and once again she starts tapping. The only thing she says to me is, “I think we need to try your hand”. This has never happened to me before. So I give her my hand. At this point I’m tearing because it’s like I’ve been stabbed knowing that this test is pointless and with this being moved to my hand, the knife is just twisting. She’s tapping my hand and not finding anything which boggles my mind but she finally finds one. In goes the needle and once again she’s tapping. By then, I’m kicking from the pain and I’m no longer tearing… The tears are now falling. And it gets worse, she starts pushing the needle further in and moving it. I’m squirming and wanting to scream for my life. Still, she says nothing. She doesn’t ask if I’m ok and she sees that I’m crying. I ask for a Kleenex and still she says nothing.
I tell her that she needs to take the needle out and try my left arm again. And the tapping begins. By this time I’m wondering why I’m going through this when I know that I’m going to get the negative call. So I’m crying… An embarrassing cry. Still, she says nothing. And inserts the needle and finally, something. She finishes the bloodwork and asks me if the name on the label is correct and I say yes with tears running down my face. Finally after 30 minutes of doing this, she asks if I’m ok. I hold my composure because I know what will happen if I say anything I’m going to scream at her and it will not be understood because all I want to do is cry.
I leave the room and go to reception just to let them know but nothing comes out properly so I just look like a crazy lady. But I leave and as soon as the car door closes I’m sobbing.
On the drive home, I can’t stop. I was just so angry and heartbroken. I’m mentally and physically exhausted. Hearing negative news and being sick all the time for no reason just takes a toll on me. I’m driving home and just angry because as much as Ed sympathizes, it’s sometimes not enough. And as I’m writing this, I’m crying again. Sometimes I just think that he should just find someone else that can provide him with a child. I know how much being a dad means to him. I know that it sounds stupid but disappointing someone that I love more than anything over and over again just breaks my heart. I’m so tired.
I got home and just holed myself up in our guest room and told him to go away. I just couldn’t face him knowing that I was feeling the way I felt. I was betraying him by thinking that way. I don’t doubt the way my husband feels about me. When he looks at me, I know he loves me. And, as much as he does I feel that he isn’t angry with me that he’s not a father but I also know that every time someone announces their pregnancy I can see his heart break.
In our marriage, we love each other so much even though others may not see it. Our heartbreak doesn’t come from hurting one another, it comes from not being able to extend the love we have for each other to our child.
So after about half an hour. I tell Ed what happened at the clinic while still sobbing and looking like a mess. Ed tells me he is sorry but the only thing I can say to him is “Stop telling me that you’re sorry.” I hate it when he does that because this whole thing is not his fault.
I’m drained. I’m tired. I’m frustrated. But, at the end of the day, I have Ed and as long as we stay solid, we will be alright.