Nerves, nerves and more nerves

I’m sitting in bed waiting for Ed to finish showering so that we can drive to the clinic to do the Beta. There is just a huge part of me that doesn’t want to know. The Crinone made me so sick the past week and a half. It really mirrored pregnancy symptoms to a T. And that’s what is making this so much harder. The fact that for a week and a half, I’ve been living as if I was pregnant. 

The huge part of me that doesn’t want to know is the part that just wants to hold this fantasy a bit longer. You may all think I’m crazy that I’ve been happy being tired and nauseous and I probably am. It’s such an awful trick that these meds are playing on me. Even though I’ve been praying so hard for a baby to be in there, after 3 failed IUIs, I just can’t help but think that there isn’t anything in there and that it’s just all a pipe dream.

The past two weeks has all been positivity and then this morning my brain is telling myself to come back to reality and face it. 

Either way, the news will not be heard by me. Ed agreed that he’ll be the one to answer the call. If it’s negative, he’ll bring home a bubble tea. Is it sad that we didn’t think of what he’s supposed to do if it’s good news?

Amidst the nervousness and pessimism, I’m going to try my best to find my positive thoughts and keep praying. I know that regardless, we’ll be okay. 

Please keep us in your prayers today and once again, if you have baby dust, send it our way! 

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