Who’s really holding it together?

I never realized I was working so hard to hold it together until I finally broke down again today. I thought that I was fine and not at all stressed this cycle like I have been with the others but I guess I was just fooling myself. I probably was worrying and stressing but convinced myself that I wasn’t.

This morning when I went in for my day 17 cycle monitoring, there were no signs of follicles. The first thing I said to my nurse was, “Now, we can start panicking. Something should be showing up by now.” She responded with the worst thing I wanted to hear, “We’ll see you back in two days and if there still isn’t any sign of follicles, he might just cancel the cycle.”

There were many things that flowed through my mind:
1) I really wanted a positive result this month. I really wanted my baby.
2) I’ve been in the worst pain and have put my body through the worst strain just to be told that it was all for nothing.
3) This entire cycle maxed out my lifetime maximum of my fertility drug benefit. From here on out, we’re on our own.

Today, I feel defeated. I tried my best to attempt to go into work today but halfway there I just broke down and cried. I feel so stupid for trying not to stress and worry in hopes that my “relaxation” brings out a positive result. And, I feel stupid for putting my eggs in this basket and feeling like this was it. It was happening.

But, it’s days like this that make me also realize that I have an amazing husband. Out of the both of us, he really is the positive one and he really is the one that is holding everything together. He’s the one that encourages me and just let’s me be upset and when I’m done, he’s there to cheer me up.


Like he says, things can turn around this cycle. We’re upping my dose today, so, in 2 days time, we’ll know what’s happening next.


  1. judgypoodle | 19th May 15

    Been awhile since you’ve posted and I am playing catch up. Sorry to hear about frustrating cycle. It’s ok you feel defeated in my eyes. I think it shows you care and you have a lot, mentally and financially invested. Baby dust to you.

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