Yesterday, in the midst of feeling sorry for myself, I got an email saying that I was added to the Stirrup Queen’s blogroll… yay! Comments can start pouring in now!
But yes, back to the feeling sorry for myself. I read one of the blogs that were added to the blogroll and just read something that really changed my perspective on this whole infertility thing and my though process. Her posting was titled “Happiness in infertility…”
As I’ve been writing, I’ve been really bitter about other women getting pregnant so easily and then just put myself in the “I feel sorry for myself” and the “Woe is me” dark hole. But what Jordan says in her posting is just amazing. She points out that when women like me are bitter with their friends or other women getting pregnant so easily, “We cry that we feel alone, yet we ostracize ourselves from the world. We complain that no one understands, yet we don’t take the time to be vocal about our struggles to become involved in someone else’s. We become bitter and jealous… yet we don’t stop to think that just like we feel that they are insensitive when they complain about being up all night with a crying baby…” What great insight from a woman that is going through the same situation as myself.
I’m not saying that I’m going to be a perfect model of this and put myself in others’ shoes. I know that I’m definitely going to have those self-pity days where life is in a dark place but what I’m trying to say is that, I’m going to try to stop looking at what others’ say as them being insensitve towards what I’m going through because my friends and family don’t know that they’re being insensitive because I haven’t shared this with everyone. It’s something that E (my husband will be henceforth known as “E”… typing my husband out all the time gets to much lol) and I have chosen to not announce. But maybe we should… rather than keeping this to ourselves and looking at this whole situation as us against the odds, having people know and offer their support might just be what we need.
Another thing that Jordan writes in her blog entry is that humans are:
“stuck in the weeds of our problems. The world doesn’t owe me a baby. God never promised me a struggle free life. Character shines brightest when the world seems it’s darkest… Lower your expectations on what happiness is. It isn’t a perfect life, it isn’t a permanent feeling. You will have good days and bad days. What matters most is the drive to push on through the bad ones.”
What great insight! This principle is definitely something that I need to adopt. The more negativity I let myself feel, the more I’ll drown and not be able to focus on what’s important: E, myself and most importantly, our baby (when God decides to put this baby in our lives).
Once again, this post and what I’ve read does not mean I’m going to be instantaneously a change woman who thinks positively. Sadly, I am a complainer and at times, I do look at the glass as half empty but I will definitely look at words and actions a little bit differently: not that people are purposely trying to offend me, but more in a sense that they don’t know what I’m gonig through and that I cannot expect them to. It’s not really fair of me to expect that from everyone
So for now… I’m going to try to choose to be a light and come out of my dark hole a bit more.
If anyone happens upon this blog and reads it…
Thanks for putting up with my mood swings and self-loathing. Being on so many fertility meds definitely changed my personality and made me much more impatient and snappier but it’s still not a real excuse for shutting you out. Thanks for sticking by me during this long journey. It still feels like it’s going to be quite a long one but I know in time, good things will happen for E and I…
You all truly are the best!
Do read the blog Please Baby Please. She’s going through the same thing but has more of a positive outlook on life!